Journey to the deep!

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So on may 4th 2019 I got into the swimming pool turned to mom and said “I can’t swim, I wish I could” I really couldn’t I hadn’t ever been able to. 2 separate times 2 swimming pools I was band from the deep up of the swimming pool.

Seconds later I have no idea how but I’m kicking my legs, floating, and moving from the edge to the half way mark. Yes I swap but I’m kinda swimming!

I adventure out into the deep end with mom, petrified “I might get told off I’m in deep end” “I can’t swim” “I’m going to sink and drown” all the things I told myself as I’m pulling myself through the water with a kind of doggie paddle kicking melt legs as fast as I can.

At the other end I hold on to the edge and mom says “let go, I’m here” full of fear… I let go. I’m not sinking at all I’m floating.

A few weeks later I’m swimming! Learning still but swimming!

Im going up and down the pool I did maybe 14 lengths and the most each time I went and then i randomly swam 22 lengths as it’s my favourite number!

June arrives and I’ve signed up for a 2 mile swim in June! Maybe alittle optimistic but I can doggie paddle and do some other random stuff that will get me from one end of the pool to the other 129 times,right?

By the 9th June, I’d not been in the pool yet. So we went 16 lengths. 0.25 miles, then another 24 lengths. 0.37 miles … 0.62 miles in total.No swimming for a week and half weeks. There is no way I’ll make this now!

So with one week to go I decided I to do it! I went swimming alone for the first time ever in a different and I swam 10 lengths, then the next day back to the pool I felt comfortable in I did 20 lengths. I had completed 1.09 miles I’m half way– with only 2 swim day left! Excited to get to the pool to show my mom my new trick not only could I swim I could swim underwater! Seeing her face light up, made me feel like good, but I had 59 lengths to do!

Impossible.

But she stayed in the pool with me, cheered me on as we passed each other! I wasn’t scared of the water any more, I can swim and float and dunk.

Today I went swimming and I only have 28 lengths left. 2 miles completed… I finished at 31 lengths… 2.03 miles complete!

7 weeks ago I couldn’t swim, I taught myself, supported by mom,she stayed patient, she didn’t let me give up! But I did it… so after (5 weeks of swimming)

I can swim, I can dunk, I can go in the deep end and i float. But most of all I didn’t give up and I worked my butt of to achieve this! I am proud!

Goodbye 2018

I’m alittle late with my new year blog but I’m definitely gonna try get this running better!

What did 2018 bring for me? Here are my highlights!!

I got a dog.

I got a dog. He’s 7 and I love him very much. He loves to be a lap dog, he loves toys running on the beach with pepper (grandmas dog)

I went to America.

This was a life changing experience! Maybe I’ll do a blog on This!!

Loss of Christmas spirit

So I’ve really got into Christmas the past 4 years but this year I’m dreading it and I’m not sure why.

I’m doing photo advent, Ive made new decorations I’ve even wrapped all my Christmas presents! Been to the Christmas markets.

No tree yet but I’m well on the way to Christmas cheer!

But I’m just not feeling it.

Fireworks night

As I walk though the crowd. My head is going though every scenario that could ever happen.As I stand waiting under the pitch black sky for the show to start. Near the front of the filling crowd behind us. So many people closing in on my space. BANG. It’s starts making me jump. I think about turning and running away but I look back to all the people and I can’t judge what is worse.My heart beating fast as I put another mint in my mouth (mints are a grounding technique for me) .The sky fill with pretty colours. I start to crash and freeze. My friend knocks me and asks if “I’m ok saying I’ve gone quite” bringing me back into the fear and panic that I’m in… the world spins fast and I keep having to remind myself where I am. but I did it I have photos and videos and memories of a fireworks show.. and to be honest I don’t remember getting home as it’s abit of a blur but I remember that it’s worse being in the house unable to see the lights witch each bang. Than watching the prettiness in the sky!

My safe haven

We moved into a beautiful house in the beginning of October. This place has been my safe haven. I can be a mess and fall apart and I get to keep it on the down low! I struggle at home too I feel lost and like I watch myself on the outside… I have flashbacks and nightmares. I try to go out once a day because I don’t want to be one who stays inside. But when I leave safe haven everything seem so big and scary.  

Ptsd vs Christianity #2

I kept telling myself "it will be easier, I have God." Unlike some people with ptsd. But it's not easier… being a Christian is just another thing on your pile of stuff you stress about so much throughout your day. Don't get me wrong That fact never changes! I do have God but I also stress; how dare I feel like this? I'm such a letdown for not trusting in God fully! Why do I feel like this? Why did I go though what I did when I have God and I know deep down the answer is free will. I know God loves me. Everyone says give it too God and leave it there. I do a lot more than anyone would ever know but it doesn't seem to stop! I know God is great and bigger than this and I have no doubt I am his girl! But I am kinda stuck with all this…
FEELING + GODS TRUTH+ MEMORIES = A VERY CONFUSED GIRL!